Improve Sexual Communication With Your Partner

Improve Sexual Communication With Your Partner

  26 Aug 2020

‘Everything great in life and business is born out of great communication. Sex is no different.’ Cindy Gallop, founder of Make Love Not Porn.

When it comes to sex, a vast majority of people have the messed up idea that it’s supposed to perfect. Our partners are magically supposed to know what we want and how we want it. But, it doesn’t always work like that. This isn’t the Notebook or any other Hollywood movie where sex is perfect on the first try. In real life, sex isn’t telepathic. If you want your partner to do something, you have to tell them.

But talking about sex can sometimes be odd and uncomfortable, even when talking to someone you love. So, if you’re stuck in that awkward sex topic zone, how can you improve on effective sexual communication with your partner?

Benefits Of Effective Sexual Communication

How to Improve Effective Sexual Communication with Your Partner
For starters, effective communication during sex can have a number of profound benefits on your sex life. This includes;

Safer sex

When delving into the more kinky aspects of sex – like BDSM – sexual communication is extremely important. As it allows both partners to understand the needs and limits of each other.

Builds a better bond

As awkward as it is, talking about sex is one of the keys to building a healthy relationship. It allows you and your partner to get a deeper understanding of each other’s preferences and sexual fantasies. As both parties are able to glimpse into what the other person desires.

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Better sex

I cannot underestimate the power of good communication in building a better sex life. By knowing what your partner wants, you are better equipped in helping them enjoy sex to the fullest, and vice-versa.

How Can You Improve Effective Sexual Communication With Your Partner

Here are a few tips to ensure your sex life is built on good and healthy sexual communication;

1. See A Sex Therapist

How to Improve Effective Sexual Communication with Your Partner
This is especially helpful if you haven’t had sex in a while – maybe after having kids – or you’re just not sure how to sit down and have a conversation about sex. A good sex therapist will not only help in making you feel more comfortable but ensure that you and your partner have a safe place to discuss and share your sexual experiences. It can also be a great way to learn more about sex education.

2. Listen

How to Improve Effective Sexual Communication with Your Partner
While it can sometimes be hard to pay attention to what your partner says, especially during sex. Bedroom talk – or dirty talk – is one of the ways people express certain sexual desires when their inhibitions are down. And what a nice way to learn more about your partner without having awkward conversations about sex. So, next time you’re in the throes of passion, try to listen to what the other person is saying.

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3. Share Past Sexual Encounters

How to Improve Effective Sexual Communication with Your Partner
A great way to spark sexual conversations with your partner is by bringing up shared, past sexual experiences. Not only will it put you and your partner in the perfect mood to talk about sex, but it is also a great way to tell your partner what you liked and didn’t like. Or what you’d like to try again.

For example, you can start with ‘remember last night when you pushed me against the wall? It was good but…’ and use this to delve deeper into your various sexual desires.

4. Give (Casual And Loving) Advice

How to Improve Effective Sexual Communication with Your Partner
Another word for this is constructive criticism. You don’t need to go into a long monologue of what you didn’t like right after you finish having sex. You can start with a compliment. Talk about what you enjoyed then say, ‘instead of this, maybe we could try this…’

5. Sit Down And Talk

As crazy as it sounds, sometimes all you really need to do is sit down and have a nice, long conversation. Yes, talking about sex can be awkward, especially when discussing kinks you’re insecure about. But it pays to have a healthy relationship with your partner. And, it’ll all play out well in the end with you enjoying a better, more fulfilled sex life.

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Which Couples Are Better at Sexual Communication?

Talking sincerely and transparently about sexual issues can be hard. Many people feel embarrassed or humiliated to request what they need explicitly, regardless of whether they’re in a caring relationship.

There are many explanations behind this. Many cases include one or more of the following reasons for low levels of sexual communication skills:

Many people grew up with the message that sex is “dirty” or that it is rude to discuss sex.
Others might be stressed over offending their partner.
Many are also worried about how their partner will respond to their requests.
Yet others might have been with their partner for a considerable length of time, but they still don’t have the foggiest idea how to bring it up.
It is very common to think that marriage and long-term commitment are the ultimate solutions to these problems. After all, marriage is assumed to provide a safe space to talk about any issue. Moreover, many people think that skills are acquired with time, hence commitment is important and marriage secures a long enough period of time to work on these issues.

New Findings Show It Is Not About Commitment

However, new findings from the German Pairfam study show that it is not so simple. Time and commitment are perhaps important in many other fields, but they are not so important when it comes to couples talking about sex. The study addressed a simple question: Does marriage have any correlation with improved sexual communication?

The answer is actually a resounding no. Findings reported in the Journal of Sex Research show that married people reported lower rates of sexual communication skills than most groups.

Seven relationship-status groups can be found in this dataset of 3,207 respondents: married individuals comprise the largest group of the sample (57.4%); never-married single (14%); never-married individuals who have a partner but they live apart (4.3%), never-married individuals who cohabit with their partner (13.1%); divorced/separated single (5.3%), divorced/separated individuals who have a partner but they live apart (2.7%), and divorced/separated who currently cohabit with their partner (3.3%)

Sexual communication was a constructed variable composed of the answers to the following questions: “If I want something different during sex, I say or show it” and “Generally speaking, I can express my sexual needs and desires well,” based on the scale of Plies, Nickel, and Schmidt. These two items were combined by the survey’s team to create a scale ranging from 1 (not at all) to 5 (absolutely) with half-point levels.

The results are quite telling. In terms of sexual communication, only never-married cohabiting people were comparable to married people for both genders on the bottom level. Singles and couples who live apart showed much higher levels of sexual communication skills.

To understand these results, one needs to understand what sexual communication is and why it is so important.


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